A Time and a Season for Everything

Including friendships?

Ecclesiastes 3
1 There is a time for everything,
and a season for every activity under heaven:

I’ve been thinking about this for a while. Everything is different in my life now.
My life changed from before to after with my diagnosis in June of 2004. And it almost seems as if there’s been an after part 2 with all the changes that this year brought. One of the changes is friendship.

In the past, I haven’t been a good long-term friend.

I can think of people that have been in my life for “a time”--a period of intensity-- which is filled with deepness and a special connection. And then it changes. Weeks, then months go by and I realize that we haven’t communicated. Did God only place us in each others' lives for a season? Or is it me?

About three years ago a “Finding your spiritual gifts” class was offered at church. It prompted a discussion between Cliff and myself about each others' spiritual gifts. I asked Cliff how he would describe my gifts to others. He answered, “Her gift is the ability to connect with people. She can make a stranger feel comfortable. Instant best friends.” And then he added… “ But She’s only good for about three months. Because she sucks at long term friendships”.

Ouch. But the truth does hurt. And that was my truth at that time. In the past year, I believe I’ve grown. Upon sharing that with my family, Cliff said he thinks I’ve gotten better and Megan said, “Really Mom…how long is your long term now?” Good question honey.

I have wonderful friends. And hope that I am a good friend to them. The most intimate relationships I have at this moment are the ones which we've connected because of painful experiences like depression, illness and death. There is an understanding there and I think these friendships exemplify “rejoicing with those who rejoice and weeping with those who weep”.

I don’t know if some people are just in each others' lives for a season. I think, hope, and pray that I am short-term, but I just don't know.

I do know this...my life is incredibly enriched by the friends God has given me.

Role Reversal

Sometimes the frustration gets the best of me. And that’s when Cliff’s sense of humor comes in handy. And if he isn’t in that kind of mood, then Megan acting like my mother instead of daughter seems to do the trick.


One of the things that I need help with is getting into my pajamas after I’ve taken a bath. I still have a lot of upper body strength and getting the pants on involves my holding onto the side of the wheelchair and boosting myself up. By the end of the day, I am tired and it’s hard to keep myself up for more than a few seconds. Combined with not getting all the way dry, it can be extremely frustrating. Megan and Cliff alternate helping me.

A couple of weeks ago, it was Cliff’s turn. It was the Sunday evening after his camping weekend with Joel, so he was extremely exhausted. As he attempted to get my pajama bottoms on, it wasn’t going well. At all. After we both struggled without any success and my deciding that Cliff was too frustrated to do it (remember my perception is my reality) I called out “Megan!!!!” (probably more like MEGAN!!!!!!) She opened the door and I said “Please get these pajamas on me.” And started crying.

Cliff left the room and she helped me. And then, in a voice like she was talking to a three year old, she looked at me and said….. “Are those tears really necessary?”

Guess she forgot who she was talking to.

My Two Guys

As I mentioned in an earlier post, Cliff went hiking and camping in the mountains with Joel last weekend. Cliff and I have been married for 14 years. Megan was almost ten when we got married and Joel just turned eight. He loves both of them very much and is a wonderful father to them.

Cliff is a good man, a Godly man. He's taught me over and over about selfless love. He came up with the idea of writing about the trip for my blog. I loved it. And keep in mind - Cliff is NOT an outdoors person. At all.



The day started out like any other involving a long uphill seven hour drive, early. Combined with frozen sandwiches made the night before and lots of caffeine I hit the road. I drove west for long periods of time listening to old time radio and wondering how I would survive the weekend without the plane crash? The back story to that joke is I usually say I would only go camping when my plane goes down in the Andes. Well eventually I got to the western spot I so craved and met a young grizzly Adams in the parking lot of a local motel in Bryson City. Well the young Mr. Adams turned out to be my son Joel.

We the wind up in the woods. My first observation as a trained observer is to point out my pack seems larger than his. Being old and out of shape I found this funny but Joel assures me they are about the same weight. I then flash back that vacationing at the alligator ranch in Florida is about the same as going to the handbag counter at Macy's but I digress. After a short hike we stopped at a beautiful water fall and wind up at our campsite. We set up camp and looked for firewood and I realized I was actually having fun so naturally I got a little nervous. The first night went well and we both heard something walking close to our campsite but Joel did not panic so I was obligated to do the same. The funniest thing from the first night was the mummy bag I was in somehow got corkscrewed around me so I had to put my left arm out of the small face opening in the bag and hunt around to my right for the zipper. I was flailing around like a one armed octopus trying to start a car to get back to the beach but eventually was successful.

Then next morning we broke camp cleaned up and started down the hill to the parking lot. Downhill is easier and quicker so we made good time. A good breakfast in town got us started on the next leg of my great outdoor adventure. We made our way to the Cheoah River because water was being released and would make for great kayaking. Joel planned on running the river and I found a good spot to get some video. He had done this before so all was going well. Of course going well means bad so he finds out the friends he was going to meet were not running that day. He then looks for folks to follow who have run before and we are set! After a while I see Joel floating down the river and watch him pull off to the side waiting on his traveling partner. I was not prepared for what I see next. A blue kayak comes floating upside down near where Joel had pulled off. I have not described what was ahead of these kayakers. Just ahead is a waterfall with three parts. One was a conventional looking waterfall on the left, the middle had a series of rocks that formed irregular steps that ended with rocks at the bottom and the right was a sluice gate looking thing that rafts full of people would use. So this kayak with no human in it is headed straight for the waterfall. Then we see the kayaker who hits a small rock and flies into the air. The onlookers are shocked and this fellow can't decide if he should follow his kayak or head to the side. Naturally he heads for the waterfall and goes over head first. So I keep taping wondering what just happened. Joel then runs the rocky part and I head to the pick-up point.

The end of the run is a large parking lot that is controlled chaos. I wander down to the water to watch for Joel. I am sitting at the end of this long concrete run when I hear the dreaded question... could you take our picture? There were four women at the other end of the concrete and one is coming my way. She then asks again and shows me her camera. This makes things simpler so I say sure. They tell me all about why they are there and tell me they have been drinking. As I get closer to the group the ring leader tells the others we are doing a picture and everyone is going to show me their boobs. More panic sets in and I stop the picture. She was kidding and a picture is made without too much trouble.

Joel shows up and gives me the background on kayak groupies, there are more than I would have thought and we load up to go. Seems the barrel less barrel rider had dislocated his shoulder but was OK.

The rest of the day was a visit to the Joyce Kilmer tree memorial and another night of camping. The trees were amazing and huge but the real fun was the camping. It was more of a gentrified campsite and fire pit so we set up on a cleared raised platform and cooked smoked sausage on a stick! That turned out to be fun as well and Joel and I talked for quite a long time about everything and nothing. I put up my tent and determined not to play octopi again and eventually turned in. The tent I stayed in the two nights was a small two man thing that I had to myself. I started out on my back and things were turned topsy turvy from there. I realized the world was upside down when I woke up and still lying on my back I saw I was staring out of the door flap. Let that image settle in. Of course I thought I was dreaming and woke up again around 5:17 to see the world was still not right or rather right sided. I knew I was not dreaming and bolted upright looking for Joel. I was looking to see I had not crushed him because somehow I had rolled over in my sleep and flipped my tent. The floor became the wall and the floor used to be the wall. I unzipped quickly. I don't remember if I used the face hole and made sure Joel was safe. He was sleeping on the ground outside the tent. Thankfully I had rolled away from him. I fixed the problem and went to sleep again. We both had a good laugh that morning. I hit the road shortly after that ready for my long ride home. There were a few more stories about meth trailers and the Gov. of New Jersey being called fat on the Don Imus show but those are stories for another blog.

I had a tremendous time with Joel and enjoyed seeing him in his element. I am extremely proud of him and plan on trying another camping trip early next year. As with any good adventure I needed a moral and the best I can come up with is I no longer have to wait for a plane to go down to camp. Good news for all the passengers on the plane I will be on in the future.

Safe

This picture was taken in April, 1998. It is Joel and my nephew Josh. Zipping along with a box taped to a skateboard. My sister, Jeri (Josh's Mom), was visiting from her home in VA. I love this picture. Look at Joel and Josh. No indication of the tragedy that had occurred the week before when Jeri’s husband died very unexpectedly from an undiagnosed heart condition.


Chris’ death brought a shocking realization of this verse…….
You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes.

After the funeral, I remember returning to our home in North Carolina and only then did the reality sink in. I wanted to flee back to Virginia, to Jeri, to the bubble, where life seemed to be on “pause”.

It was heartbreaking to witness her grief. As much as I wanted to take it away, I knew that was impossible. So I joined her in mourning.

Just as I could not take away her grief, she can’t take away this illness. I wanted to put her life on “pause” (or better yet, rewind), but I knew that she had to move forward. And I would be there to help her – as she is with me. And as I joined in her suffering, she joins me now.

Look at the picture again. Closely. Envision my face instead of Josh’s and Jeri as the one pushing. Not running along beside me, but steering me on this journey. And just like Josh, I feel safe in my box – even in the midst of sorrow.

Mostly Good Spirits

That was the answer that Cliff gave to someone today who asked about me. Thanks honey. It’s been a couple of years since Cliff spoke to him and he was asking about us.

This past weekend I asked Megan and Jeri what adjectives they would use to describe me. I didn’t tell them my reason for asking. But wondered if their descriptions would include words like sad. Cliff was out of town so he missed my little survey ☺

I was curious since my blog intention was never to be a daily “this is what I’m doing” but an intentional “this is what I’m learning from God”. But have I communicated that there are many happy times?

This past weekend was unseasonably warm in North Carolina – bright blue skies and 75 degrees. On Saturday I spent time with a friend that I haven’t seen since March. She drove to a place called River Park North. I got as close to the water as I could with the power chair and we visited for a couple of hours. She reads my blog and I shared with her the things I was thinking about. And it was during that conversation that I realized that I write less frequently during the happy moments. I am certainly more reflective during the solemn times. And writing becomes both healing and revealing.

So I wanted to share something different.

It was just Megan and I this weekend because Cliff was hiking and camping with Joel. For those of you who don’t know my husband he is not an outdoors guy. But would do anything to hang out and spend time with Joel. (And yes Amanda, he does have funny stories – ask him about the drunk girls yelling TAKE OUR PICTURE!!!). It was also the first time in a long long time that Cliff’s been away. Let’s say that it was a much-needed break for him.

Megan ended up sleeping in my bed in case I needed anything. I woke up early on Sunday morning and just lay there for a while. I heard Megan wake up and she reached over and took my hand and just held on to it. Thank you sweet girl.

My cousin Tom was in town from PA. I haven’t seen him since April 2008. It definitely was NOT an “I’m going to see her before she dies trip”. (I freak out sometimes about people visiting) My mom and his mom had eight kids between them in the span of seven years. My aunt became a widow about the same time my parents divorced. We were more like brother and sisters than cousins. Tom came to visit me and Jeri and our families. It was so much fun to reminisce together – especially about Thanksgiving at my grandmother’s house. As the oldest (and bossiest) grandchild I was always in charge of the talent show. We all laughed our heads off telling stories this weekend.

Even had a picnic in the park on Sunday afternoon.





Please know that I have peace, joy and contentment – most of the time. I am happy and laugh - often.

And I am thankful – always.

Expect Suffering

The more I read in God’s Word, the more I understand that suffering and troubles are not something that may happen, but WILL happen. Verses like these are all over the New Testament.

• Dear friends, do not be surprised at the painful trial you are suffering, as though something strange were happening to you.

• In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials.

• Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds

Sometimes I've made the same in the statement that I have felt ill-equipped for this illness and its impact. Prior to ALS, there have certainly been struggles and extremely hard times but paled in comparison to this.

If suffering as Christians is addressed over and over in the Bible, why are we often surprised when it happens? What if suffering for our faith was taught as part of counting the cost?

I've wondered a lot about teaching on suffering. It almost seems like we have it backwards. I am repulsed by the health, wealth and prosperity gospel, but wonder if we subconsciously give people the impression that following Jesus means that your life will be trouble-free. I don't know anyone who believes that but I really do wonder if that is the communicated message……follow Jesus and life will be easy and comfortable.

I hate this. What this disease is doing to my body and my independence. I hate the impact on my family. Hate it.

But I love Jesus. LOVE Him. LOVE, LOVE, LOVE Him.

Phil 3:8Yea doubtless, and I count all things but loss for the excellency of the knowledge of Christ Jesus my Lord: for whom I have suffered the loss of all things, and do count them but dung, that I may win Christ.

I am not a bible scholar. Don’t usually read the KJV. But I recently heard in a sermon that the Greek word for dung is the only time it’s used in the Bible. (any refuse, as the excrement of animals, offscourings, rubbish, dregs. things worthless and detestable)

This is the verse that I say over and over. It brings it all into prospective.

Compared to knowing Jesus Christ my Lord, everything else is crap.

Going Home

I have a friend that is battling cancer. We’ve had conversations about “going home.” I believe there is a depth of understanding that comes with sadness and suffering. A compassion for others that I didn’t have “before.” And certainly a deeper longing for heaven that I didn’t have "before".

Every Sunday morning, following Tim’s lesson, he gives the congregation an opportunity to respond – for prayer, decisions for Jesus or to share. You can meet privately with someone or if so led, share in front of everyone. You can imagine how powerful it is when people share a burden in front of everyone and we cry and pray together. There have been occasions when the entire church surrounds the person and everyone is sobbing.

I told my friend that we needed to go up during that time and ask everyone to gather around and pray for us to go to heaven and be with Jesus. I wonder what would happen?

Cliff says I am just “big talk”. Maybe I am. But maybe, just maybe someday I will have the courage to do it.

More Than Okay

I noticed a young man sitting on one of the front seats during our worship service yesterday. , There was something familiar about him. Finally my husband leaned over and whispered “That’s Ben”.

Five years ago, Megan was Ben’s date for the Senior Prom. After asking several girls to be his date, Megan said yes. Prom night they were crowned king and queen. An especially wonderful ending to the evening because you see….Ben is autistic.

As the praise band played the last song on Sunday morning, Cliff and I raced to catch Ben. He was quick and making his way down the aisle towards the door. Even at full speed cruising in my chair I couldn’t get close to him. Cliff finally caught up with him and brought him over to me.

I was so excited to see Ben. “Ben do you remember me? I’m Megan’s mom”.

The last time I saw Ben was May 2004. He looked at me without words for a couple of seconds, his eyes lingering on the wheelchair. He asked, “Are your circumstances going to improve?’ I shook my head and said “No Ben, they’re not. But that’s okay”.

But really, it’s more than okay. Because I believe these words with all my heart.....

2 Cor 4:16 That is why we never give up. Though our bodies are dying, our spirits are being renewed every day. 17 For our present troubles are small and won’t last very long. Yet they produce for us a glory that vastly outweighs them and will last forever!

Whatever YOU want

We sang that song in church recently and I started thinking about the words. A lot.

I’ve been playing around with iMovie and wanted to experiment with communicating my thoughts in a different way. Remember, I have a lot of time on my hands :)

The last pictures are very purposeful. (some shot this summer by Megan for a photo class.) Sometimes I think I care more about what this is doing to my appearance than how it limits me physically. (confession) And my “current voice” is the worst it sounds, but is every day at some point.


The last lines of the song....
Oh, Father here I am; oh Lord take my hand
Give me strength I need to follow after you

Better

ALS is a continuous grieving process. Mourning losses - physical, emotional and relational. Sometimes there is a lot of time between each loss and I reach the acceptance stage. Other times it seems like I can't catch my breath before the next one comes along. Sometimes I think a lot about the inevitable next loss. Other times I am able to focus on and be joyful for today. A dilemma---I like just living in and being thankful for the present moments. I don't want to think about the future.

Looking back, I realize that I was in denial about Megan leaving some day. I knew it and even talked about it, but the reality didn't set in until this weekend. After denial comes anger--that my family and I have to deal with these kind of arrangements. That's when I struggle with thoughts like "it's not fair." And then tears - lots and lots of tears. And finally acceptance. I've got to process all those emotions before I can even be rational. And even with rational I wonder "How?"

I know God will provide. I look over the whole course of this disease and He has provided for our needs every single time.

Thank you for loving us and praying for us.